Words of Lesser Wisdom


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  If many trees fall in a forest and nobody is there to hear them, is this called deaf-orestation?

There are plenty of other fish in the sea. Not so many in the sky, however.

There are plenty of other pebbles on the beach. All in all, we seem quite concerned with where things are located.

There are not enough bananas in the fruit bowl. This location business is not as straightforwards as it might at first appear.

When you can't find something, looking first in the place where it is located can save a considerable amount of time.

What is big, red, has 7 legs and flies around shouting "wampum wampum"? I don't know - but in the overall scheme of things, does it really matter?

If the ship is sinking, perhaps the rats have a point [from the book 'Wrong Shui'']

If you have nothing to say, just try blowing raspberries and wiggling your tongue around. That should do the trick.

If you spend your life complaining about the weather, just try to imagine what it has to say about you.

Don't eat your head. You may need it one day.

If your head falls off, put it in a bucket. Put a label on the bucket and put it next to the fruit bowl so that you can find it when you go to look for a banana.

Reality is a game of hopscotch.  Throw your stones carefully as you will have to hop over them later on.

If music be the food of love, don't put spaghetti on your violin.

Incomplete sentences can be very

Blessed are the wicked, for they shall run off with the loot.


Tomorrow never comes yet come it does.
Thus is the way of things.
So be it.


When I grow up, I want to be a child.


Become multilingual in 5 minutes

Semmi sincs csak fenytelen ej.     [Hungarian]

Tum paasa aaye yu muskoraaye.     [Hindi]

Kathe proi pou kinaga na pao sti thoulia phevgane san poulia ta psarokaika.     [Greek]

Jetuku shomoy tumi thako kache mone hoy e dehe praan ache.     [Bengali]

Nihon no natsu wa atsui desu ne?     [Japanese]

Az Türkçe konusuyorum. Iyi aksamlar.     [Turkish]

Dobro jutro. Ne govorim slovensko.    [Slovenian]

Aku suka makan banyak pisang aja.     [Indonesian]

Yo te quierro y finito. Yo te querda, o ma corazon.     [Spanish]

Tu verras tu te reconnaitras en chaque instant, en des enfants, en chocolat.    [French]

Chowk dee khrap.    [Thai]

Indi daku-daku ang matahum nga buli iya.    [Ilonggo]

Vanakkam. Vai pote di!    [Tamil]

Sat sri akal ji.    [Punjabi]

Om mane padme hum.   [Tibetan]

One of these may or may not be an untruth.


I am quite cold. I am beginning to have doubts about the wisdom of trying to find out how easy it would be to get my head stuck in the freezer

If your legs were just 1 cm shorter, they would not reach your feet.

Not everything that glitters is in a Vietnamese jail.

Too many cooks spoil the broth. If you're not a big fan of broth, then perhaps it doesn't really matter.

Afore ye wibble yon cratchetts aft, mither with graceful winkling shouldst thy handichurdles become unfastened. This is the word of the Lawn.

An extra helping of baked beans prior to a session of rumpy pumpy is not always a good idea.

Red sky at Night, shepherd's delight. Red sky at Dawn, shicey is in Michigan. Red sky on Tuesday, hello good Bluzlady. Green sky and peeling, there's vomit on the ceiling.

 There are plenty of other fish in the sea but all of them are smelly.

Translation always loses something. Perhaps it should look down the back of the sofa.

The grass is always greener on the other side of the horse.

How many roads must a man walk down before he realises that his SatNav isn't working properly?
and how many shoes must a woman buy before she realises that she can't pay off her credit card bill?
and how many words can I write in this stupid poem before you get bored of reading it?
The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind.
I guess I shouldn't have eaten so much curry.



Last night I had the strangest dream as you will plainly see.
I dreamed I was a tortoise and had lettuce for my tea.
I had lettuce for my breakfast and for dinner every day
and when I went to tortoise church they just said "lettuce pray".


Favourite Words

"kanchi" - this (and variations upon it) means "scissors" in a variety of Sanskrit-derived languages in the northern part of the Indian subcontinent

"gado-gado" - I love saying the name of this Indonesian dish so much that I often order it even though I don't like eating it

"obfuscation" - here is an opportunity for all my fellow Roget's-exploration fans to flick sensuously through those flimsy translucent pages

"mellifluous" - yes yes yes yes yes! oh my god yes!

"kadang kadang" - another Indonesian/Malaysian reduplicative form, meaning "sometimes" - however, if you mispronounce it as "kachang kachang", you find yourself saying "nuts nuts".

köszönöm" - ah the beautiful vowels of Magyarul! This Hungarian word for "thank you" apparently sounds uncannily similar to something incredibly rude (and surreal) in Egyptian Arabic.

"güle güle" - more beautiful vowels (and another reduplicative form), this time from Turkish - it's the form of "goodbye" you say to someone who's leaving when you're staying put. It is often translated as "go with a smile". Smile

"Paraskevi" - Greek for "Friday". Keen trivia players will notice how this features in the 'Friday 13th phobia' question.

"Nihon no natsu wa atsui desu ne?" - this common Japanese phrase is best used as often as possible to as a polite way of striking up conversation with complete strangers when visiting Japan.

"Pozdravljeni" - the Slovenes seem to believe that saying "hello" should be made as difficult as possible.

"Khrungthep" - the very much abbreviated form of the full Thai name for "Bangkok"

"tudlo" - Ilonggo for "finger"


What is love, Aunty Ethel?

What is love, Aunty Ethel?
Love is ecstasy, my darling nephew Hughbert
like the sun shining merrily between the storm clouds
on a Tuesday when Australia are all out for nineteen;
chewing sticky sweets which give you gutrot,
but you just don't care because love is ecstasy.

-  What is love, Aunty Ethel?
Love is torture, my darling nephew Hughbert
like the lightning striking your uncle on the ninth
just as he was making a three inch putt for an eagle
on a Wednesday when England are all out for three;
bubble gum which makes a sticky mess all over your lips
and all you care about is that love is torture.

-  What is love, Aunty Ethel?
Love is expendable, my darling nephew Hughbert
like my love for you on a Thursday when it's snowing
and the Russians are invading the Oval cricket ground
with their nuclear submarines blowing up the pavillion
and no sweets so you have to chew somebody's red nose
and stuff you, Hughbert, for love is expendable.


No-one's listening

So many many voices crying to be heard.
Some spout whole theories.  Others just repeat one word.
Everybody's saying something.  Nothing seems too clear.
Because no-one's really listening, so no-one gets to hear.


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